I went over to Old Furnace State Park today, and took a walk. It was beautiful. Hardly anyone was there, the ground was covered in snow, everything was still. I used to go over there all the time, but I stopped going once I met my husband. I couldn't go with him. I feel like I lost part of myself once I stopped going. I was greatly influenced by Henry David Thoreau at that time in my life when I was starting to develop a sense of self, and I began to associate the woods and nature with my inner well being and mental balance. I feel as if I am a Two Spirit person, and these two sides of myself create this tension and turmoil inside of me that I need to calm. When I am out in nature, I feel a sense of balance inside of me. Right now, even though I am back at home, I truly feel inner peace.
I want to go back to the woods regularly again this year. I think it will help me find out who I am again. I feel as if I got lost ever since I met my husband. I wasn't truly on the right path before, but he pulled me much further away and forced me to really put on a mask.
While I was out there, I was thinking about what Eleanor, an MTF, said about wanting to find out what kind of girl she is this year, since before she was just focused on being a girl. I am a boy, but what kind of boy am I? I reflected on who I was before I ran off with my husband and put a mask on. Before, I was independent minded, I didn't care what people thought of me. I forged my own way in life, and didn't care if I was doing something that no one did before or if people said that I would fail. I was an artist who painted pictures for me, not for the sake of money or fame. My husband tried to change me by telling me that everyone thought that I was stupid, annoying, conceited; he put doubt in me by constantly interrogating me about my paintings and about everything that I did, and telling me that if it wasn't for him that I'd be no where and just a failure.
I want to get back to being me this year. I am going to focus more on my yoga and meditation, and finish reading the Guru Granth Sahib. Before going into the woods, I bought more boy clothes, and yesterday I got my hair cut. I am going to dress the way that I want, and I don't even care if I pass. I am tired of dressing and acting a certain way for the sake of other's comfort. I just want to be comfortable with who I am this year. I think that's something I deserve.
