Down the Rabbit Hole

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to see a gender therapist. While I've look some up in the area, I haven't called any to see if they take my insurance or whatnot. While it is only midway through February, I should have called someone by now; it will be March sooner than I realize it, then July, then September, then 2014.

I think I've been procrastinating, because I feel like if I take this step in my transition that there's no way I'll be able to, in my mind, ever go back to just "being a girl". In some ways, I feel like Neo here in the Matrix.

I want to take the blue pill, just live a normal life as a woman. But, I know there would always be that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something isn't normal. The red pill would solve that nagging feeling, but make (at least a stage of my) life very difficult. I'll have to face challenges I've never had to deal with before -- multiple doctors appointments, facing society, possibly being disowned by my father,discrimination, extra expenses... I know I could handle those challenges, but I would just rather have an easy life as a female. Going to the gender therapist feels like taking the red pill for me. It's me admitting that I am not normal, saying that I'll never be able to years from now say "wow, I am glad I got past that phase". The caul will be pulled from my eyes, and I'll never be able to blindly push those feelings away.

This is something that I just need to do, and I need to force myself to stop delaying. I'll be happier in the long run if I just go and get this over with.