Two More Workouts Left

Just wanted to say, I only have two more ChaLean Extreme workouts left!

Androgynous

Here's a bit of a message I sent to a MTF/androgonyous friend:

I really enjoyed your [discussion on andogyny], and I am thinking that's a possibility for me. I've been thinking about being trans lately [....] and whether a medical transition would be right for me. Lately I've been more considering just wearing male clothing whenever I want and wearing female clothes whenever necessary or when I want.

I also don't want a medical transition to affect any plans for my future. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a missionary doctor, I was just fascinated with the thought of going to other countries and helping poor people and doing good in the world, and in the past few years I've been toying with the thought of doing either something like the Peace Corps, working for the Foreign Service, or international development work. If I don't make a career out of that, I'd at least want to volunteer at places during vacation at work. I wouldn't want to be on T, get a hysto, etc. and then find out that I can't do any of these things if I'd had to go to a place where I couldn't get hormones or if it would be extremely dangerous if people found out I was trans.  I've always been fascinated with different cultures, and I do believe in doing seva (which is a Sikh concept which basically means you try to help people during your life, and eventually your life becomes one selfless act), so actually going to places beyond the mere tourist locations has been a goal of mine for a really long time.

Since I think this life is just one small bit of the bigger picture,  I don't want to get so caught up in something as arbitrary as gender and spend enormous amounts of time, money, and energy medically transitioning when I could be doing something more meaningful and satisfying (either at home or abroad). I could of course still do both, but I feel like unless I suddenly get a disease or get in an accident, I have plenty of time ahead of me to figure out what I want to do. I really don't feel the need to rush into things and I am more than willingly to adopt some sort of alternative to the male and female categories.

FTM Top Surgery

 

This is a video I found on youtube of Dr. Daniel Medalie doing top surgery. He's over in Cleveland.

 

Very interesting, but I had to close my eyes when he was cutting the holes for the areolar graft. All the rest I could watch (despite the insides looking like scary alien stuff), but that was just chilling.

Most Descriptive Answer Ever

I was browing the IKEA FAQ page and found this:

11. How does IKEA approach environmental issues?

We're working to create a better environment outdoors as well as indoors.

Yeah, like that answers anything, lol.

"No Friend, No Enemy"

I really enjoyed this article "No Friend, No Enemy" by Ek Ong Kaar Kaur over at SikhNet, found here. It really helps explain how we need to remember that the world doesn't revolve around us, and to focus on people's actions by asking questions about them, not about ourselves.

The mind has a tendency to look at everything from the vantage point of “me,” to interpret everything in a very personal way. But any relationship – positive or negative – needs a little perspective. Guru Arjan talks a lot about pride in the 12th Ashtapadiof Sukhmani Sahib. There is an aspect of pride in seeing someone as “my” friend or “my” enemy. When we look at people solely using our egos as the reference point, it can be difficult to keep a vaster view.

But the truth is that people in our lives – friends, family members, community members, enemies – act in a lot of ways that have nothing to do with the “me” at all. They are acting as they are, for their purposes, in accordance with their understanding. It’s not personal. When we train the mind to drop the filter of “me,” it gives the mind more breadth and dimension to deal with the complexity of human relationships.
 

I think this can also be important to remember for trans people coming out. I remember talking to an FTM at this FTM meeting I went to, and he said that most people he came out to didn't really care because they're just so focused on their own life, they don't really think about you that much. I haven't come out yet, but it seems like really close family members like parents would care a lot, because your lives are so connected, but the further out you go, the less likely it is that people really care all that much. It seems like some people get really worried about coming out, only to find out that quite a bit of people couldn't really care less. Sure, you might be the topic of gossip for a bit, but life moves on and people have other things to think about than you.

Only One Case Left

I can't believe I only have one case left to do in my Tribal Court project. :( I am going to have to find another project to do to get in all my volunteer hours so I can get the pro bono certificate.

Burned 714 Calories This Morning

I did TurboFire Fire 60 Class this morning, which is an intense hour-long cardio workout. I wore my heart rate monitor, and unless my monitor is totally messed up (which I doubt because the numbers seemed pretty accurate to me), I calculated that I burned approximately 714 calories. It might even be a bit higher than that, because my heart rate got really high (the mid to high 190s) while doing the FireDrills, but I didn't calculate those high numbers into my average to prevent it from becoming artifically inflated.

Luckily for me, school is cancelled today, and I actually got the message before leaving the house for once, due to some snow and sleet, so I am going to do Yoga X, which will be even more calories burned since that is a 90 minute yoga workout. I am going to have to eat about 1,000 more calories today from all this calorie burning.

Ah... Yoga Feels Good

Today I did ChaLean Extreme and felt awesome. I lifted really heavy and felt extremely energized, but later I realized I was a bit tight in my inner left thigh and figured it was my lack of a good long yoga practice that was the cause. These past two weeks or so I've only been doing 10-20 minute long yoga practices when I normally do one hour or longer practices. Luckily, Secured Transactions was cancelled today, so I took an early train home and did Rodney Yee's Yoga Burn. That's an hour long workout, and I really felt the benefits of it. I normally dislike the Wide Angle Forward Bend, but I knew it would be great today. I was popping all over the place, that pose never felt so good, and now I feel really refreshed. I absolutely love Cobbler's Pose, so I did a few extra of those after the DVD ended, and now my inner thigh isn't tight anymore. I also practiced my Bird of Paradise after the DVD ended, and I can get my legs straighter and higher now.

I can also see the ChaLean paying off. While moving into Prayer Pose I could see good definition in my shin muscle, and even the muscles around my knees look stronger. Since my arms are stronger now, I was able to make the workout more challenging by substituting Bridge Pose for the Wheel (aka Upward Bow), and I was able to hold the Wheel stronger and longer than I was able to before. The hour flew past, and I wish I didn't have homework to do, because I would definitely through in Rodney Yee's Strength Building Yoga or stream his early version of Power Yoga off of YouTube.

Things to Remember for Muscle Building

I'll probably be updating this list if I think of new things or if anyone suggests anything to me. I've just been watching YouTube videos of people who have done Body Beast and reading up about body building in general, and I just want to start a little list of stuff I don't do well now so that way I can address these issues while I am trying to bulk up.

1.  Drinks lots of water!  I think to not drink all that much water, maybe only three cups or so a day on average unless I am doing a lot of cardio or I am going to work out in the evening. I heard that muscles are made up of like 75% water or so, so if you're not properly hydrated your muscles suffer.
2. Eat all the friggin' time! Remember to follow my nutrition plan and get the proper amount of carbs, proteins, and healthy fats. Make my meals in bulk in advance (I currently make my lunch all in one shot every Sunday), get a carton of egg whites to quickly make a breakfast sandwich in the morning, keep my blender ready to make a smoothie to go with my eggs, and prepackage healthy snacks to take to school and leave in the car, like nuts, carrots, and fruit.
3. Continue yoga poses! I want to maintain or exceed my current levels of flexibility. I hear Body Beast doesn't have much stretching in it, so I am going to have to make a committment to include my own yoga routines. This past month on ChaLean Extreme I haven't been doing so well at adding in my own yoga on the weekends like I had been in the earlier phases. My arms have been so exhausted from all of the lifting, that I am always so tired and my muscles are so fatigued by the time I put in a yoga DVD or attempt my own practice. I am going to have to allow myself a few hours to recover before attempting to do any yoga during Body Beast.
4. Check length of workout! I hear there's at least one workout in Body Beast that is a full hour long. I am going to have to check out all the times and write them down, because on the full hour long days, I am going to have to wake up at 4:30 AM instead of 4:50 AM. I also hear there is one that is really short, only around 25 minutes or so, and on that day I could sleep in a little more, maybe wake up at 5:10? Oh... that sounds so beautiful!

I Want to be a Beast!

Can't wait to start Body Beast after I finish ChaLean Extreme!

I am going to do the "lean" version of it first, then if I like it I'll do it again doing the "bulk" (or "huge") version of the program. I feel like I've gained a good amount of muscle on ChaLean Extreme, so I think Body Beast will really bring me to the next level. Since I am pre-T, I've mainly been trying to pay attention to the results cis-females have on the program, and many of them look amazing, so I'd be happy to have similiar results as them.

The eating part is going to be hard for me though. Even the cis-women I've looked at said they had to eat about 3,000 calories a day! I have enough trouble reaching my 2,000 with the program I am on now. I usually only get between 1,200-1,700 calories a day. I am going to have to radically change my eating habits to do Beast.

Ugh... MPRE Coming Up Soon

I can't believe it's almost April already, and I really have to get studying for the MPRE. I need to score 85 points to be able to take the Massachusetts Bar, and 80 points to take the Rhode Island Bar. I have a Kaplan study book in pdf format; I wish it was an actual book because I don't like reading on the screen and I can't take notes in the pages. I also have access to the Kaplan MPRE videos on their website since I already paid for the Bar Review course for Massachusetts and Rhode Island.

It's just going to be hard to study for this, and keep up with school readings, and start writing my paper for Advanced International Business Transactions which is due on May first.

I can't believe I hardly did anything during Spring break. Very unproductive....

RI Gay Marriage

I was reading an article in the Bay Windows today, which is a news site for LGBT folks in New England, and came across this article about how RI is considering gay marriage but with possibly a broad religious exemption clause. I am supportive of separation of religion and state, and I don't think religious institutions should be forced to marry same sex couples, but allowing religious institutions to deny benefits to employees in a same-sex relationships or to allow religious hospitals to deny a spouse in a same-sex relationship from being involved in the health care decisions of their spouse who is a patient there is ridiculous. What about same-sex couples who have a child in a religious school, can the school deny that one of the parents is a parent to the child and not allow them to sign off on papers, etc.? I don't see allowing same-sex marriage to be a threat to religious institutions as long as they don't have to actually marry these couples.

I don't understand how extending benefits the spouse of an employee in a same-sex relationship infringes upon their religious liberties. Giving them the benefits like they would for couples in a different-sex relationship doesn't condone their relationship.  There's some religions who are opposed to couples who are married to someone outside of the religion, so should these institutions be allowed to deny benefits to a spouse who is Muslim when the employee is Jewish and works for a Jewish institution? We need to have a nice balance between allowing religions to keep their religious freedoms with preventing them from engaging in outright discrimination.

Anyways, people like Rabbi Barry Dollinger gives me hope that maybe this will go through without the over broad religious exemption:

At least one religious leader in Rhode Island said he's comfortable supporting the gay marriage legislation because the exemption makes it clear that his synagogue remains the authority on who in the Jewish faith is eligible to marry. Rabbi Barry Dolinger of Congregation Beth Sholom in Providence said he believes that while civil law should allow gays and lesbians to marry, it must remain up to religious bodies to determine who can marry within their faith. Dolinger is also an attorney.

"Never say never, but I will never perform a gay marriage as an orthodox rabbi because it's prohibited by our main religious text," he said. "But as a person of faith, it's deeply important to me that the government stays far away from what we do. I'm all for letting people have it, and I think the government should stay out of preventing it, but we can't compel people to violate their religious beliefs.''

Geez, It's About Time....

... Gaiam has finally come out with yoga clothes for men! Still not much of a selection, and I am just going to keep wearing my girl clothes for now anyways, but I have just always been surpirsed that they had only sold women's clothing. It's like, men don't do yoga or something?

Medical Journal on FTM Top Surgery

I am posting this link for anyone who is interested in learning some more about top surgery from the view of the plastic surgeon. Here is the link, and if for some reason the article goes missing from this person's dropbox, just let me know; I've downloaded the article so I can always post it again. This article discusses different techniques and the best way to determine which technique to use in order to remove the breast tissue. It also talks about two different techniques that I've never heard of being used in the USA before.

I am Singh, I am Kaur

 

The aim of this is to attack popular stereotypes of Singh being the brave warrior while Kaur is the stay-at-home mother. Singh can also be a nurturer while Kaur can be the warrior as well.

Alaska -- Random Hippie Tangent

 

I've always had this desire to go off the grid. When I was a little kid, maybe around 7 or so, my Mama (pronouced "ma'm ma") would videotape shows off of the Disney channel and mail them to my sister and I since we didn't have Cable. I remember vividly seeing the commercial for the movie White Fang and being fascinated with it. I didn't see the movie until years later, but I always loved that commercial. In middle school, I got a book of Jack London's stories about Alaska, and even though I had trouble understanding his writing and noticing all the inner meanings, I was just so fascinated with the concept of going to a place far away, that was completely new to our people, and finding your place in it.

 

I have wanted to go to Alaska ever since. I stilll want to go, maybe not live there since I have developed an aversion to cold weather, but I want to go somewhere far away from where I live now, and be out in the wilderness, but somewhat near a small town where I can get supplies and interact with society.

 

I've been feeling that more and more lately, Alaska. Alaska isn't just a state to me, it's a mindset, and even that's not right, it's beyond words for me. I've been dreaming of New Mexico, or Wyoming.  

 

I love law school, and the way they teach you there has really opened my mind and taught me to think in better ways. I don't regret going to law school, I am glad that I am there. Though, I know I don't want to be a lawyer forever. Or even an activist doing pro bono work for the poor. I think so much of the law, and even pro bono, is concerned with such petty stuff, and even helps to perpertrate injustices and supports immoral systems. I'll practice law for some time, because I do need to pay off these student loans, but I'll be planning my getaway.  I think having a law license is a very valuable thing that can help people in need, so I don't think I'd ever get rid of my license, and I would help people who I knew needed my help and who I cared about, but I don't want to work in a firm forever or do law full time for the rest of my working life.

 

I want something simplier, and that brings people together. Like pottery. I loved taking pottery classes, and only had to stop when the shop I took lessons at shut down. I've always been creative, I am not saying I am any good at art, but I've always enjoyed art. I wanted to be an artist, but had self-doubts and didn't pursue art school. My dream has been to go out west and live in a little tiny house off in the middle of nowhere and just mind my business. Take care of a garden, maybe some animals, and then spend the rest of my little free time making stuff. I don't even want a TV (don't have one now actually), or really even care much about the internet, even though it is helpful at finding out answer to questions (like, why is my plant dying?) and facillitating conversation. I'd be fine and happy doing my own thing, on my own, near a little town, maybe going to the city for some more culture and diversity every so often.

 

That's my problem with small towns though, is the lack of cultural diversity. I love experiencing different cultures, hearing different languages, and learning about different people. I live in a small town now and feel stifled by the small mindedness of some of the people here. That's why I love cities though, and enjoying spending my time in Bos and Prov. But, my life is a contradiction that I've grown used to and have accepted. Haha, I am a female and yet a man, right?

 

Whether I am a rural person or a city person, I am agreeing more and more with Russell Means here (though I don't agree with 100% of everything he says here, like I think vaccines are a nice thing for the most part). America as a whole is turning into a prison camp, and I don't want to be part of making it a bigger camp. I've been trying to go more "local" lately and be more conscious about what brands I buy in these big box stores that are hard to avoid. I am not perfect, but just trying to take one small step at a time in the right direction. Okay, sorry for the random tangent, I get like this sometimes. I just get this longing to go beyond the greed that I see in daily life, and I am tired of feeling like a commodity that different corporations are fighting over.

 

 

 

Finished Burn Phase of ChaLean Extreme

So, I am on Day 59 of ChaLean Extreme, and did my day 60 photos and measurements a day early. I am the same weight as day 30, but my waist, hips, and abductors got a bit smaller; my thighs got bigger (it's all muscle from those squats, lunges, bowling lunges....), my arms are the same (but I know they get much bigger now when I flex), and my chest is the same (come on boobs! shrink!).

I wasn't even going to take the 60 day photos because I feel like I look the same, but I did anyways, and now I am glad I have.

Check out my Day 0 back photo and now my Day 60 back photo. I feel like a beast! Grr! Dinosaur!

Day 0:

 

Day 60:

 

I can't wait for day 90 now! Hopefully I'll look like a complete beast.

Sewing with Henry: Adjusting a Tri-Top Binder

Okay, I have this tri-top that has a pretty common problem with FTMs, it has a little bit that bunches up in the front. I am not sure if this is common or not, but the bottom part of mine is way too big and hangs loose. I also think mine could be smaller since I think it doesn't compress as well as it could but I know the size extra-small will be way too small for me. I am not going to bring in all the sides, because I want to see if bringing in the bottom and taking care of the little front pooch will help the rest feel tighter and bind better. If it doesn't work, easy solution, and I'll do a "Sewing with Henry part III."

I'll add in this disclaimer that way no one flips out on me: I am not a professional tailor, there's probably a better way to do this, in hindsight I would've done the bottom part a bit differently, so if you ruin your binder, don't complain to me that you need a new one. Also, don't make your binder so tight that it is hard to breath. I can breathe perfectly fine in mine, even after I tightened up part of it. Use some common sense, I know we all have it somewhere buried deep down in that mushy thing between our ears. :)

You'll need: pencil, scissors or pinking shears, pins, needle, thread, and a thimble. Or, set up your sewing machine.

Step 1: Measure

This is pretty self-explanatory. For this part, just squeeze together the little baggy part and estimate or use a cloth measuring tape to figure out how much of a V to cut and how deep.

Here, just measure where it starts to get baggy, and using both hands or have someone help, squeeze in the excess cloth until it gets to where it feels comfortable. Unless you have help, you'll just need to estimate how much you pulled in on each side. Alternately, you can measure around your chest with a cloth measuring tape to figure out the correct size, and subtract that from the diameter of that section of the binder. We'll be bringing this part in to do some waist shaping. Hell, maybe we'll add a button to make it easier to put on! Brilliant.

So, for my front pooch I am going to measure my V down one inch from the top and cut the V  three-quarters of an inch wide. Before taking my binder off, I am going to put a mark right where my cleavage line is just to make sure everything stays centers (or alternately, you can just measure where the center is once you lay the cloth flat).

For the bottom, I am going to start my waist shaping 2.5 inches from the bottom, and I am going to take half an inch on each sides, making it a total of one inch smaller in the baggy area.

Using a pencil, cloth marker, pen, whatever, mark your measurements onto the fabric.For the bottom baggy part, put a mark on your 2.5 inch mark, and then one each side (front and back separately) put a line one quarter inch away from the seam.

You will notice that on the bottom piece, Underworks gives a quarter inch for their seam. We will aim to keep ours at a quarter inch as well for the double compression segment.

Step 2: Cut a V

First, I'd put in a bit of a waste stitch just in case it starts to unravel, though I've heard from many people that the tri-top doesn't unravel. It's just better to be safe and since this is a double compression it will help keep everything in line while we're cutting; this area is a little too small to effectively use pins.

By the way, an automatic needle threader is quite helpful, thanks grandma!

Once you get your waste stitches in, start cutting with a sharp pair of scissors or pinking shears into your V.

Step 3: Sew Up Your V

First do a back stitch around your V, being especially vigilant on the tip of the V.

Then once your back stitch is complete, we're going to mimic the Underworks seam as much as possible. I am not sure of the name of this stitch, but we're basically going to be going from the top around the cut, and then under; repeat all around until we have a nice smooth edge.

Take this opportunity to hide your knot from your starting thread. Once you've gone all the way around, you can finish here, or go back around if you're really ambitious. I stopped here because mine looks good enough for me and I feel confident that my stitches are secure.

If that was all your troubles, congratulations, you're all done! See now the little pop is gone and is doesn't show up under your shirt.

Step 4: Prepare the Bottom Part

Put in some waste stitches along your quarter inch lines. As you take the stitches out, take a mental note on how Underworks sewed the seam: the double compression is folded over and then sewn to the back of the garment. We're going to mimic that.

Once you've taken the seam apart, cut with your scissors or shears leaving about 1/4 of an inch for your seam. We'll need to cut above our 2.5 inch mark in order to prevent any strange bumping, so place some pins down in a gently sloping line going from the 2.5 inch mark up to the armpit. Cut along that leaving room for your quarter inch seam allowance.

Sew up the cut using a back stitch. Be very careful and make sure you get both layers of the front.

Turn the piece inside out, and carefully sew the front to the back from armpit down to the bottom seam. I'd also suggest using a back stitch here to make sure everything stays tight and flexible.

If you're going to use a button (I decided against it for now, I am going to try it without the button and then add it in later if I feel like it is too hard to get on), leave about an inch or so remaining and then sew on the button and either make a button hole by cutting a hole slightly bigger on the other side of the fabric and sew around it using the same technique that we used for the V.

 

As a note: my seam is kind of messy because I don't have a table to work on so therefore I couldn't use my sewing machine, and it's a little hard to sew completely straight while you're kneeling on the floor. Also, I still have the other half to do so that's why the bottom still looks a little bit loose, but it's really late now and damn, I am tired! Four forty-five AM comes quick.

Overall, I think I am just going to give up on binding, my tits are just way too big to hide:

Also, I'll probably be doing some edits on this, I am sure it's horribly written right now.

So I Don't Forget: Granola Bars

I am posting a link here to myself, since I often forget where I put links in my favorites. This is for a granola bar recipe that someone was kind enough to share with me. I enjoy making granola bars, and this one looks really good, because it has ginger in it! Yum! I am going to add in some nuts or seeds though, and have to convert the recipe to American measurements. Here's the link for lucysfriendlyfoods Ginger Glapjacks.

New Painting

Well, despite being a bit peeved due to money concerns earlier, I went back to being my usual self. Yay! I believe that you can decide to be happy or upset, so after being a bit upset I figured enough was enough and it's time to just say "I'll try my best to have things be right, then leave the rest to Waheguru".

So, after doing some grocery shopping, I started listening to my favorite Wuauquikuna song and felt inspired to do a bit of painting.

This song is called "Buffalo White" and I think it is just so beautiful. It puts me in a state of peace.

Here's my painting, done in a background of 3 layers of red which I had applied using one of those paint rollers from the hardware store, and then I applied some Payne's Gray using my fingers. It's not the best thing I've ever done, but I enjoy it's spontaneity and free spirit.

This is called "Wuauquikuna -- Ode of Lightning Medicine Cloud".

 

 

Edit: 12:01 am March 3, 2013

 

I did another painting this evening, finished it on the second. It's a little hard to see because the background is so dark, but it was supposed to be that way. It's of Russell Means, and he's dead, so  it's almost a little ghost-like.

 

 

Or for the non-closeup:

 

 

Sorry for the slight glare, I've always sucked at taking pictures of my paintings.

 



Damn you money!

Great, my husband wants to sell of my rings, other jewelry, and wipe out our bank accounts to settle his loans. With no money, I'd have to drop out of school. I am going to have to sell every thing that I own, which isn't much, if I want to even live if he does this.

My head hurts now, I was having a lovely day until he texted me. That's how it always is though, my life is filled with fairies and butterflies and then he shows up and ruins everything. I regret spending the $30 on a binder now and wasting gas going to Gurdwara last week.

What we need in the trans* world...

... is to give ourselves permission to be happy.

What a Beautiful Day

Ah, it almost felt like spring today! Such a lovely day, I feel energized!

I am also about halfway through the book Life of Pi which is fascinating, I am having a hard time putting it down. It's very well written, and so descriptive, that it gives such a nice picture of this amazing world we live in; despite the horrors that we have to endure life can be so beautiful.

I've been trying to get in a little of MacAuliffe's The Sikh Religion before bed, but my dog doesn't seem to want me to read. She keeps jumping on me and wanting me to play with her instead. So, I think it is just going to have to wait until I finish plowing through Life of Pi and then I'll just have to take it with me and read it on the train like I've been doing with Pi.

I'll leave off with the Mul Mantra here:

Since we like talking about boobs or "moobs" so much...

I thought this was an interesting and really beautiful project. It's so nice to see these pictures of men and women who survived breast cancer, and have "imperfect" looking chests now being so happy because they survived something so horrible. I think we should take a few moments to reflect on how lucky we are the next time we feel about complaining about chest surgery scars.

That's sad...

Poor little girl.

Went to Gurdwara

Well, I went to Gurdwara today. It wasn't snowing this morning, so I fugured it was time to go. I was the first person there, I guess everyone shows up fashionably late, so it was a little bit awkward at first. It also turns out I sat on the men's side, but no one seemed to care. It was nice, and there was no pictures of Yogi Bhajan anywhere. It started snowing towards the end of the service, and I got a bit nervous thinking it was going to make for an awful drive back. I was going to leave early, but stayed for the end, then I ended up eating at langar since they told me it would only take about 10 minutes (and I was pretty hungry). After I ate and talked to some of the people there, I left; the roads were a little scary at first, but then suddenly the snow stopped and whatever was on the street quickly melted so I had a nice drive home after all.

Got my Nitnem in today

I ordered Harhans Singh Doabia's Sacred Nitnem a few days ago on Amazon, and it arrived today. I am pretty excited to get going on this whole Sikh thing (though I've been trying for the past two weeks to go to Gurdwara, but it keeps snowing which prevents me from leaving the house). I ordered this version, because it has the prayers in the original script, then it has the Roman pronunciations underneath, and then English translation on the facing page.

I listened to the Japji Sahib being recited on YouTube while following along in the book today. It's so long, I can't believe people recite it every morning.

I also bought Volume I of Max Arthur MacAuliffe's The Sikh Religion which was printed originally in 1909. MacAuliffe lived in British India and was the first person to really translate all the Sikh works into English, he converted to Sikhism, and was considered an expert on the religion. The volume so far seems really interesting, because he's discussing the British Punjab as it was back in the late 1800s. I think the bulk of the book is just translations and perhaps some commentary on some Sikh texts. I really dislike the font used to print the book in though, I think it is Calibri, which I really despise for some reason.

I am still trying to decide if I want to present as male or not at Gurdwara. I don't pass, so I am thinking of going female. There's a gurdwara run by 3HO (ugh... don't get me started on Yogi Bhajan, from what I've learned about him, I am not a big fan) that I might go to as female, and then if I decide to transition, I'll start going to the non-3HO gurdwaras once I start appearing more male.

My Wanted Yoga Poses

I've been working on some more advanced yoga poses than I get in my yoga videos. Currently, I am working on Bird of Paradise and on Sunday I think I made a good breakthrough. I can now raise the leg that's being held up. I would like to be able to hold it straighter and eventually up even higher.

Once I get that down, at least to a more satisfying level, I am going to move onto the Flying Pigeon Pose.

 

 

I haven't decided what will come after that yet.

Benefits of Being Bio-Female?

While doing the yoga section of ChaLean Extreme today, I realized how unflexible the man in the video is compared to the women. I've also seen this in some other exercise videos as well. While men can be more flexible than women (Rodney Yee sure is more flexible that I can hope to be), it seems like in general, women have greater flexibility. I read this article here which gives a brief explanation on some of the physical differences between men and women. Men have some differences in their joints which can make them less flexible than women, and women also have differences in our pelvis which makes it easier for us to tone our lower bodies without getting injuries as easily.

I think sometimes FTMs feel bad about our physical abilities because we're not as naturally strong in our upper bodies as bio-men are. While I would like to be able to lift more and show off my arms to everyone, I think we should also recognize these other benefits we have from being bio-female that bio-men do not have.  We just have to work a little extra hard at our upper bodies, but our bio-male friends need to work a little extra hard on their flexibility training and lower body work. Our lower bodies and flexibility is just as important health wise, so we shouldn't forget that we have this advantage.

And if you guys want some inspiration, check out what a bio-female can do with her upper body, and check out her workout schedule and logs she provides.

Why Am I a Man Part 1: Walt Disney

First of all, I think a healthy and interesting way of dealing with my gender identity is to go through all the reasons why I think I fit more into the male side of the spectrum. I think doing a series on these reasons could be beneficial to me, or anyone else who is questioning their identity who does not fit into the stereotypical trans* narrative of "I've always known I was a boy (or girl)". I don't know how often I'll be posting in this series, I'll just write whenever I feel like addressing a certain issue or whenever I remember something that I think would be of interest.

The other day in my taxation class our professor started talking about how she thinks people born and bred in Orlando are weird. She met someone from Orlando, and the first thing that person said was "Hi, I am Jill. What's your favorite Disney character?" A little later, a girl had asked a question about the material, and as my professor finished giving the answer, she asked the girl "so, what's your favorite Disney character?" jokingly; the girl answered Bell from The Beauty & The Beast.

That got me thinking about Disney movies. Of course while Disney isn't the determining factor in gender, I realized then that I didn't really have a favorite character... I know Bell was my older sister's favorite character, and that made me remember a conversation we had as a child. She told me her favorite scene in that movie was the scene where Bell and the Beast were dancing and being all romantic, and I replied that my favorite scene was the fight scene between Beast and that guy who wanted Bell. I distinctly remember her saying that I always like the fight scenes.

 

I think the closest to a favorite character I would have would be some of the villains. I think I've always been a bit attracted to the evil characters. I remember thinking that the evil witch Maleficent in the Sleeping Beauty was a complete babe, and the Queen in Snow White was more beautiful than Snow White herself.

 

 



 

While a part of me did enjoy dressing up in these beautiful frilly dresses that my grandmother sewed for me, I never felt like I wanted to be a princess like Bell. Sometimes I thought that would be a good idea, maybe because I'd get to live in a castle and have people fight over me all day, or maybe because my name means princess so therefore I should want to be a princess. But, I really always wanted to be the prince. I love girls who are like princesses, I want to be the knight who goes and rescues them after I valiantly fight off the forces of evil. I am sure that is partially what attracted me to a career in law enforcement -- I just want to save the women.

 

I think the closest to any female Disney character I ever felt was Pocahontas. She was brave, strong, independent, and she is the one who rescued John Smith in the end. She wasn't like the other girls in Disney movies, and that is something that I could relate with.

 

Not identifying with Disney characters like many of the girls I know isn't the full reason why I am male, but I think it is an interesting way of seeing how I thought of myself as a child. At that age, I didn't have the vocabulary or life experience to know what trans is. I also did not understand the difference between sex and gender. Knowing who I wanted to be like though gives me a glimpse into my younger self's mind, and shows me that I didn't feel like my sister and that I felt more like the men who I saw in these movies.

 

Edit: I also remember liking the animal movies more than the human movies. I think I identified with Simba from The Lion King, but like the other movies, my favorite scene was the fight scenes.



Down the Rabbit Hole

One of my New Year's Resolutions was to see a gender therapist. While I've look some up in the area, I haven't called any to see if they take my insurance or whatnot. While it is only midway through February, I should have called someone by now; it will be March sooner than I realize it, then July, then September, then 2014.

I think I've been procrastinating, because I feel like if I take this step in my transition that there's no way I'll be able to, in my mind, ever go back to just "being a girl". In some ways, I feel like Neo here in the Matrix.

I want to take the blue pill, just live a normal life as a woman. But, I know there would always be that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something isn't normal. The red pill would solve that nagging feeling, but make (at least a stage of my) life very difficult. I'll have to face challenges I've never had to deal with before -- multiple doctors appointments, facing society, possibly being disowned by my father,discrimination, extra expenses... I know I could handle those challenges, but I would just rather have an easy life as a female. Going to the gender therapist feels like taking the red pill for me. It's me admitting that I am not normal, saying that I'll never be able to years from now say "wow, I am glad I got past that phase". The caul will be pulled from my eyes, and I'll never be able to blindly push those feelings away.

This is something that I just need to do, and I need to force myself to stop delaying. I'll be happier in the long run if I just go and get this over with.

MLK is Great

Ran across this on YouTube, thought some of it could apply to trans* folk.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg is so fucking cute...

I am watching the State of the Union, and it looks like she keeps nodding off.

Ouch, migraine

Today I woke up and had a really nice morning. I felt wide awake, and did TurboFire HIIT 30, showered, headed off to school, and ate my fruit with Greek yogurt and had coffee in the car like usual. While waiting for the train at the station, I was reading a sign when suddenly my eyes felt like they were going to explode and I saw these weird little circles floating around. I thought maybe it was just the lights inside, so I went outside but my eyes still hurt and things were blurry. Once on the train, my eyes started hurting worse and then my head started aching behind my eyes and up to the sides of my head, and I felt weak and shaky. I had to just sit there with my eyes closed and I kept thinking I was going to vomit, but I held it because there'd be no place to vomit but in the aisle.  I ended up vomiting in the bathroom once we got into the city. I kept feeling like I was going to pass out, and on the subway I kept getting queasy.

I usually avoid going to the doctor's, but I went to my school's health and wellness services since I knew I wouldn't be able to go to class like that. They did a bunch of tests on my reflexes, because I think they thought it could be something else at first because I used to get seizures as a child. In the end, they concluded that I was having a migraine, and it was just unusual because most people only have migraines on one side of the head.

I walked back to the train station to avoid the bumpiness of the subway making things worse, but walking wasn't much better. It started raining and the sidewalks were all nasty from the blizzard, and my umbrella wouldn't stay open so I got all wet. A strong gust of wind came and blew a chunk of ice into my right eye, which wasn't nice considering my eye felt like it was already going to pop. For some reason, I found it to be quite hilarious though, and started laughing hysterically, and I kept randomly laughing about it once I was on the rail.

I am feeling better now even though my head still hurts a little and my stomach still feels weird; they told me to take Excedrine Migraine and wrote a prescription for something else that I was to take at home. The prescription make me sleepy, so I spent a few hours in bed until my dog woke me up wanting to play. I ate some chicken and rice, and I haven't vomited that up, but now I am craving Ben & Jerry's Peach Cobbler ice cream, though ice cream always makes me want to vomit after I eat it, even when I am feeling perfectly fine.

I hope this is completely gone in the moring, because I don't want it to mess up my workout.

Love My Heart Rate Monitor

I just got a heart rate monitor, and I am loving it! I haven't been using it for ChaLean Extreme, since it's mostly weight lifting and not as much cardio, so when I add it into MyFitnessPal it doesn't even ask for calories burned. But, I used for TurboFire Fire60 Class today, and I've been burning way more calories than I ever thought. Today I burned 620 gross calories and 568 net calories. I've only been logging around 300-400 in MyFitnessPal based on their estimates for "high intensity cardio".

Home Made STP

Today I started making the STP following the directions here.

I think mine is too big so far. I am not sure; I've never used an STP before so I have no idea what size they're supposed to be. I'll post a picture when I am done.

Survived the Blizzard

The Blizzard Nemo is over now. I am not sure how much snow we got, but it was quite a lot. My dad said he hasn't seen this much snow since '78. Miraculously we didn't loose power. Typically whenever there's a storm we loose it because of all the tree branches up here. It flickered a few times but that was it, and I was able to do ChaLean and yoga today before heading out to shovel.

I got my car dug out, and our neighbor came by with his backhoe and snowplow and shoveled out most of our driveway. We just have this giant mound now that's taller than I am. My puppy isn't too happy, it's hard for her to find the perfect spot to pee.

I kind of made up a recipe today, I had a ripe avocado that I needed to use up before it got too soft and I wasn't in the mood to make my Avocado Bread. So, I came up with this recipe below, it's seems nice and tropical which makes me feel nice and happy in this snowy weather.

Wish I Was in Florida Dessert

Ingredients:
One ripe hass avocado
1/4 cup freshly diced strawberries
1/4 cup coconut flakes, sweetened or unsweetened

1) Cut your avocado and remove the seed. Scoop the insides out into a cup or bowl.
2) Stir the avocado until it is smooth. Add in the strawberries and coconut. Stir until well mixed.

My cat liked the strawberries.

 

Day 30 ChaLean Extreme

I did my day 30 measurements (technically it's only day 29, but tomorrow is a "rest" day and I'd rather do some yoga before heading off to school), and everything is good so far. I've lost an inch on my waist and hips, lost 3/4 inches on my abductors, lost 1/4 inch on both thighs, and I've gained 1/4 inch on my biceps. I can see a lot more definition in my arms, and when I am doing my yoga, I can see the muscles in my thighs popping out a lot when doing the upward facing boat pose. ChaLean Extreme makes you do a lot of squats and sumo squats, so my legs are a lot stronger which has helped me feel more confident doing some yoga poses like Brave Warrior and Half Moon. I can also hold the Crane pose for roughly a minute! I also have a few "manly" hairs that have starting growing on my arms.

I ordered the BowFlex Selectech 552 dumbbells, and they should be here on Wednesday. I think I would've had a little more progress if I had heavier weights. I only have a set of 5-lb and 10-lb weights, and they are too light on most of the exercises for me. I bought some 2-lb wrist weights to wear while lifting in order to make the weights I have heavier, but now even those are too light. I couldn't find any used dumbbells on Craigslist that were reasonably priced (most were being sold at store prices or really close), and a pair of new 15-lb dumbbells would cost me about $60. So, I figured it would be cheaper overall, and save me tons of space, to just get the Selectech. Weights get more expensive as they get heavier, so if those 15-lbs get too light for me, how much is a 20-lb, then 25-lb, etc. going to cost me? Probably about just as much as the Selectech would over a period of time. I intend to get a lot stronger and keep on lifting after I finish this program, so it will be nice to have all the weights I need up to 52.5 lbs.

I have made some changes to the ChaLean Extreme program. I've added in the ab workout video a few days a week instead of just the one day a week like it's scheduled. I've also been adding in TurboFire (usually either Fire 60 or HIIT 30) on the weekends, and I've also been continuing with my yoga.

I'll do a review of the program once I've finished the whole thing.

Starting ChaLean Extreme Tomorrow

Tomorrow I am going to be starting Day 1 of ChaLean Extreme (thanks E. J. D. for the discs!). I got some resistance bands today, wrote down my measurements, and took all the "before" photos like the booklet told me to. I think I need to get an external CD drive (I have an ultrabook) because my DVD player only seems to want to play the first workout on the disc. I am going to fool around with it some more to see if it will play the second workout.

I'll post any before and after photos and measurements once I finish the program.

In the Woods

I want this new year to be all about me. Not all about me in a selfish sense, but I want to focus on becoming who I really am, doing what benefits me, and what makes me happy.

I went over to Old Furnace State Park today, and took a walk. It was beautiful. Hardly anyone was there, the ground was covered in snow, everything was still. I used to go over there all the time, but I stopped going once I met my husband. I couldn't go with him. I feel like I lost part of myself once I stopped going. I was greatly influenced by Henry David Thoreau at that time in my life when I was starting to develop a sense of self, and I began to associate the woods and nature with my inner well being and mental balance. I feel as if I am a Two Spirit person, and these two sides of myself create this tension and turmoil inside of me that I need to calm. When I am out in nature, I feel a sense of balance inside of me. Right now, even though I am back at home, I truly feel inner peace.

I want to go back to the woods regularly again this year. I think it will help me find out who I am again. I feel as if I got lost ever since I met my husband. I wasn't truly on the right path before, but he pulled me much further away and forced me to really put on a mask.

While I was out there, I was thinking about what Eleanor, an MTF, said about wanting to find out what kind of girl she is this year, since before she was just focused on being a girl. I am a boy, but what kind of boy am I? I reflected on who I was before I ran off with my husband and put a mask on. Before, I was independent minded, I didn't care what people thought of me. I forged my own way in life, and didn't care if I was doing something that no one did before or if people said that I would fail. I was an artist who painted pictures for me, not for the sake of money or fame. My husband tried to change me by telling me that everyone thought that I was stupid, annoying, conceited; he put doubt in me by constantly interrogating me about my paintings and about everything that I did, and telling me that if it wasn't for him that I'd be no where and just a failure.

I want to get back to being me this year. I am going to focus more on my yoga and meditation, and finish reading the Guru Granth Sahib. Before going into the woods, I bought more boy clothes, and yesterday I got my hair cut. I am going to dress the way that I want, and I don't even care if I pass. I am tired of dressing and acting a certain way for the sake of other's comfort. I just want to be comfortable with who I am this year. I think that's something I deserve.